I'm stealing this from RoseAnn's blog because I've been thinking about it.
It's hard to not wonder about what would have happened if life had taken a different path.
The biggest part of my life that I look back on is the death of my mom. Even though it wasn't something that I had to choose it still created a different path in my life. I'm pretty sure I would be in a completely different place. My mom's death caused my dad to remarry. Through my step-mom I started attending church and then youth group which is where I met Jason. We attended different schools, so I'm not sure how else our paths would have crossed. Because of the life insurance I received from my mom's death, I was able to attend Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas for a year. I spent most of my free time talking on the phone to Jason or driving to visit him 3 hours away and I don't think I got the full college experience because my life was tied up in his.
After our first year we both returned home. Him because of grades and me because I couldn't afford anymore and at $25K a year I didn't want that much debt either. So we came home and I got pregnant and we decided to get married. I had the miscarriage but we went ahead with the wedding anyway. I know part of my reason for getting married early was because I was so unhappy at home. Would I have been unhappy if mom had still been alive?
If mom was still alive would I know who my birth father is or would I not even know that piece of information about her affair? I didn't find out about the affair until 5 years after her death. Would anyone have told me if she was still alive, but if she was alive at least she could tell me who he is? Now I have no idea where to start to even find out because a small part of me would like to know. That causes another what if. What if I've already waited too long and he's dead? How do you contact a store and ask them if they can tell you who the manager was in 1979 because that may be my father? I've never watched that Reality Show "Find my Family" but sometimes it would be nice to have someone help in the search, but do I really want to know what they find out?
I attend the Presybterian church and we believe in predestination. Our path in life was decided before we were born. I believe that we are destined to end up where God wants us, and it's the twists and turns and choices we make along the way that get us there. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go down certain paths, but in the end we end up stronger for it. The choices you make today will affect tomorrow, but it may not always be an easy path.
4 comments:
It's so hard - the events following your mom's death have brought you a lot of good things. Jason. And in turn, Haley. Time in college. Your entire life path now.
But - a mixed blessing indeed. Losing your mom overall. Finding out that you have a birth dad out there.
It's a tough thing to reconcile. I don't know how to reconcile my "what ifs," but either way, we can't go back, and some of them, we have no control over.
{{{Hugs}}}
It is hard to have all the possibilities and not know if things would really be different.
I didn't know that you'd had a miscarriage. That must have been so difficult.
I'm sure your mom thought she was doing the right thing by not telling you about the affair and your bio-father. I hope you find peace with the whole situation.
I sometimes wonder about the what ifs of my life. Most often I try to not think about it, but sometimes, thinking back about decisions I've made makes it easier to make a decision now.
I'd agree with RoseAnn that your mom probably had her reason for not telling you about your biodad. At the same time, I kinda know what it feels like wanting to know him. My mom went through the same thing. She always knew she had a dad somewhere, her mom raised her alone for the first 10 years, but she would never tell her who he was. She found him about 10 years ago...
that "Joe" poster... it's me, I didn't realise hubby had been on my computer ;-)
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